Day 194 - A Very Long Discussion of Gor and My First Master, Who I Still Care For Even Though He Scared the Hell Out of Me, On Having an Annoying Cold That's Making My Joints Ache, and a Quick Apology for My Lack of Recent Posting

I just wanted to apologize profusely for the lack of posting in the last week in a half, and to let my readers know I've got a lot coming ... as soon as I can throw off this obnoxiously annoying cold ... which has made my joints ache so much that I haven't been able to work at the computer for more than a few minutes at a time. That, combined with several other things, has kept me away from the computer lately, but as soon as I'm back to my robust self, you'll have more things to read than you probably want to know about me! *chuckles*

Well, if you really want to read what I've been writing lately, here's some things I posted last week in a forum dedicated to "Goreans of Reality" on FetLife (which is a HUGE message board dedicated to people who are into kinkiness of ALL types ... if you're not a member, you should be, because if you read my blog, chances are you've got things in common with other people who post on FetLife. *chuckles*).

Anyway, the "Goreans of Reality" group is dedicated to, as you can guess, people who try to incorporate the philosophies of the Gor series of science-fiction/fantasy books into real life. Despite the fact that there are a bunch of people out there who like to say that they're "real-world Goreans," in truth, the author of the books has publicly stated that he never intended the books to be an outline for a real-world lifestyle. Some of those people are very intelligent, others are missing a few cards in their decks. Together they make for some lively conversations.

In case you don't know, the Gor books, which are horribly misogynistic in places, are about an alternative medieval-level Earth where all women are seen as potential slaves, and the laws of the world are set up so that it's very easy for women to fall into legal traps that "prove" they're slaves at heart, thereby allowing them to be enslaved (i.e. "collared") on the spot. In stark contrast to real-world history, enslaved men on Gor are not considered very valuable in comparison to female slaves (who are always presented as beautiful and sexy and naturally great in the sack), and men are often killed rather than collared because they're not seen as worth the trouble of selling keeping in shackles. (And any "real" man would always be fighting for their freedom, while a "real" woman, naturally, would grow to accept her slavery. *rolls her eyes* Try telling that to a Panther Girl ... but that's another topic ...)

I'm definitely not alone in being introduced to slavery through Gor. It should also be noted that Gor was written as a conservative (and kinky) response to the liberal ideas of the Women's Liberation movement in the late 1960s and 1970s, and the Gor books were widely popular with the mass reader, selling initially in the millions of copies. From what I've learned, it wasn't until the author went through a horrible divorce and began making things truly revolting for the women in his books that the sales of the novels took a nosedive. In a recent get together with a bunch of slave friends of mine, almost all of us said that we learned about the slavery lifestyle through a Gorean Master or by reading the Gorean books. For all its faults, Gor has benefitted the BDSM lifestyle in a variety of ways, not only by making the idea of a Master/slave relationship mainstream, but also by bringing with it a variety of rituals and protocols, such as the Gorean kneeling positions (the most famous being "nadu", which involves a woman kneeling on the ground with her legs apart to reveal her "heat" while having her hands on her thighs with the palms upward to show her submissiveness). It's quite beautiful and something many people in the BDSM lifestyle have come to expect of slaves, whether they be Gorean or not.

At the core, "real-world Goreans" try to get what they can from the books to use in their real lives while throwing away the junk, but the problem is that what some people consider junk other people consider valuable. In general, though, "real-world Goreans" (i.e. "Gorean lifestylers") tend to say that several distinct things stand out as worthy from the books, in particular: the importance of personal honor, the aspect of being "true to yourself," the value of loyalty, and the beauty of the relationship between a dedicated Master and a devoted slave. The first three things can be found in many cultures, from the bushido of Japan to the fictional Klingons from Star Trek (who some people like to emulate, but that also is another topic ...). Openly embracing the ideas of slavery, however, and declaring that slavery can be the foundation of a very loving and moral relationship, is largely what makes Goreans stand out.

Is being Gorean bad? In and of itself, not at all, although Goreans generally have a tarnished name in the BDSM community. The thing is, there are Goreans who are assholes, and these Goreans usually claim to be more "Gorean" than anybody else because they follow the worst shit in the book as if it's come down from Heaven on high as gospel.

My first Master, who introduced me to real-world slavery, was a very devout Gorean, and he told me that if I stayed with him, he'd expect me to read the two-dozen Gorean novels three times -- once for "enjoyment," a second time to catch the nuances of the philosphies, and a third time to allow it to truly sink into to my heart and mind. That Master is considered by some people to be one of the scariest Masters around, and also one of the most dedicated Gorean men you'll find -- in both good and bad ways, depending on who you ask (my Master, by the way, considers him to be a buffoon, but the Master of a friend of mine considers him to be a good man at heart who's a bit misguided in ways).

My first Master took me in as a new kajira, totally untrained and unpolished. I was very curious about Gor after having been introduced to it in SecondLife, and I immediately sought a real-world group ... and found him. At my first meeting I came as a free person, but it became very obvious to everybody there, especially to myself, that my proper place was on my knees alongside the Master's other kajira -- and the next time I went there, I was stripped, clothed in very revealing attire and, for the first time in my life, collared. I'll never forget the feeling of having to kneel on the floor in front of him, my arms crossed above me in supplication as I begged him to take me as his property, and then feeling the leather strap go around my neck ... followed by the soft but incredibly powerful sound of a lock clicking shut.

I was still married at the time, but I had to explore this side of me or die trying. I attempted to talk to my ex about my desires to be a kajira, but he told me he didn't want to discuss it, and I had no choice but to either give it up or do it on the sly ... and I chose the latter. I would tell my ex that I was going out with a "roleplaying group" each weekend, and my ex accepted that ... probably as a way of placating me in ways he thought would keep me safely satisfied.

My first Master and Mistress (his wife) both clearly enjoyed me being there, but they were a bit unsure about me, and I don't blame them. I grew to love them, or at least think I loved them, and I fantasized about being branded by them the way they had branded their other two kajira (which was, I admit, a very unsafe way, which involved an iron brand being heated in a fireplace and applied directly to the skin, which could produce a very ugly brand that's prone to infection). With each visit, however, my first Master and Mistress slowly pushed me more and more to see if I would run off scared -- and I eventually did.

The last night I was there, it was announced that one of the kajira had committed two infractions -- she had gotten intoxicated without permission from the contents of the house's liquor cabinet, and she had spent a small amount of money (I think about five dollars) without permission purchasing a birthday present for her sister. The punishment, which everybody was required to watch, was the Master stripping the kajira naked, putting an opaque slave hood over her head, binding her wrists, having her kneel at his feet, and then caning her for what seemed like an eternity (to me, at least -- it was probably 20 lashes or so) while she screamed from the intense pain. Afterward, she collapsed on the floor in agony, and the other kajira was ordered to untie her and take care of her wounds.

That was enough for me, and I decided then and there to get out of my collar, but to do it honorably.

Another Gorean group had formed in Denver because the members didn't like being around my first Master for various reasons, and my first Master didn't like that group at all. I told my first Master that I could infiltrate that group and go to their meetings and report back to him what they were talking about, but he would need to release me of my collar because they wouldn't let one of his kajira attend. My first Master agreed and uncollared me, and ... I never came back. I lied to him, and that was dishonorable, I believe, but I felt it was more honorable than disrespecting the collar itself and taking it off without his permission. It's weird, I know, but I hold the collar to be a very sacred trust and institution, and I would no more abandon a collar than I would imagine somebody abandoning a wedding ring -- actually, I consider a collar even more binding than a wedding ring in many ways.

I've often looked back and wondered if my first Master actually knew what I was doing, and he figured if I lying to him and didn't return, then good riddance. *sighs*

The thing is, I don't look anymore at the punishment he gave his kajira as being incredibly horrible, depending on the circumstances. It does fit in with the Gorean lifestyle, and I've seen people take far worse beatings at the Sanctuary BDSM club on a typical Saturday night. But I was new to the lifestyle, and that Master made a mistake by not taking that into consideration. Instead of continuing to push me to see if I would give up the collar, he should have introduced me to the lifestyle more slowly. But that Master is well known for his flamboyance, and being subtle is definitely not one of his strong suits. He gained notoriety by showing up to a local "munch" with his kajira in tow, leading them both by chains attached to the collars around their neck. A "munch" is a way for people new to the BDSM lifestyle to meet other people in an open setting, and munches are usually held at very public places, such as a restaurant or coffee house. What that Master did by flaunting his kajira like that is known as "vanilla violation" because of the way it pushes kink into the sight of people who may not want to experience it, and that Master has been ridiculed ever since because of that little stunt. (I've heard that he also took his kajira the same way into an area Wal-Mart store, and he had them follow him on a leash and kneel at his feet at times, to the stares of other shoppers. I'd think that was a bit too much for anybody to believe, except that it was the Master himself who bragged about it to me.)

The thing is, that Master had me hooked in ways, emotionally and physically. He was my only exposure to the lifestyle, and I could potentially see myself as someday permanently becoming his kajira -- and I might have, if that Master hadn't scared me off. His two kajira were very devoted and loving, and I liked them a lot -- and I miss them and would love to see them again. Even today, I still feel a part of my heart belongs to that Master -- a fact I've made clear to my current Master, to which he's responded by making it clear that my original Master and I will never be left alone together in the unlikely chance we encounter each other again (and, if my current Master has his way, such an encounter will never happen). The fact that a good slave friend of mine and her Master are friends with that Master at least gives me a chance to ask how my first Master's kajira are doing -- although even that may be too close for comfort in the eyes of my current Master. I'll have to ask him and see.

Weirdly enough, I consider myself a Gorean who hates Gor, and I'm not shy to let people know that. I feel I'm an example of the so-called "typical" woman presented in the Gorean novels -- which claim that all women are only truly happy when they're living the life of a slave. And yet, while I believe I do have a slave heart, I also feel I'm not typical among women, and therefore I hate the world of Gor as presented in the novels because of the horrible way it treats most women.

Which brings us back to the idea of real-world Goreans. Can somebody live a moral life based on Gorean philosphy, even though the world of the novels was such a revolting place? The answer to that question is up for debate, which is the reason for that group in FetLife.

By the way, you can see all the topics in that group in Fetlife after you have your own account. But since accounts are free, there’s no reason not to get one! Once you’ve got the account, you can view the group’s discussions here ...

Last week, one of the topics of discussion in that group caught my eye -- the idea of real-world non-consensual slavery. The thread was started by somebody who said that, to a person who truly follows the ideas of Gorean philosophy, the strong should subjugate the weak (which they claim is why men are designed by evolution to dominate and enslave women), and therefore non-consensual slavery isn't morally wrong in-and-of itself. As you might expect, that idea caused a lot of people to write on both sides of the issue. As you might expect, I responded by using history to vehimently attacking the idea of non-consensual slavery.

My first post was as follows:
Rome stands out as a particularly interesting time regarding slavery. At one point, a whopping 40 percent of the people living in Italy were slaves. Compare that to what's said in John Norman's novels, in that one in 40 people on Gor are ever enslaved during their long lifetimes, and you'll see that in real life slavery has been far more entrenched in society than it's ever been in fictional Gor.

I've studied what writings remain from Roman times regarding slavery, and they show a few distinct reasons regarding why Romans allowed slavery for a thousand years. Romans felt that it was the right of a conqueror to kill those he conquered in war. As a result, it was actually considered merciful if a conqueror conquered a city and announced that he was taking all of the inhabitants to be slaves instead of killing them on the spot. As time went on, with hundreds of years of generation after generation of both free and non-free growing up with slavery, it became such that people never thought of a world without slavery -- it was considered as normal as we consider telephones and penicillin in Western culture today. It should also be definitely noted that Romans considered it right and moral to maintain the status quo in all its forms, and people who strove for social change of any type were greatly looked down upon. Therefore, Romans didn’t expect the lives of their children, or of society as a whole, to improve in the future. Eventually, the citizens of Rome got to where they couldn’t function without slaves – all trades that involved menial work, from baking to pottery to accounting, were considered the realm of slaves, even if the word was considered creative or required intelligence. Also, any job that required somebody to report to somebody else was reserved for slaves, even if the job was very important and involved managing great amounts of money or property. To cap it off, the Empire eventually converted to Christianity, and the works of Paul specify that slaves are to respect and obey their Masters without attempting to run away, which thereby made the bonds for a slave not just of metal, but spiritual as well.

The thing is, though, that although people considered slavery to be a valid part of society, slaves themselves generally did not like being enslaved (to put it mildly), and accounts show case after case of slaves (even those in lofty pampered positions) attempting to escape from their Owners, usually at huge risk of danger from every direction.

The slavery presented in the Gorean books is, without a doubt, unrealistic. The great majority of slaves in history have been used for domestic or agricultural purposes, and having slaves for sexual uses was considered an extravagance. Male and female slaves were both greatly prized in equal terms for their strength and their intelligence as needed. Yes, Owners did often use slaves for sexual purposes, but that wasn’t the main duty of slaves except for a few special men and women among the very rich. The idea of male slaves being hardly worth the effort of catching and selling (as presented in the Gorean novels) is ludicrous, just as is the idea of almost every female slave being destined for sexual service in the nearest tavern. Gorean slavery was created as a fantasy created as a titillating response to the ideas of Women’s Liberation of the 1970s, and to compare it with real-world slavery isn’t a particularly valid endeavor.

Yes, Stockholm Syndrome does match rather well in many ways the reaction by enslaved women in the Gorean books to their Masters after being involuntarily enslaved. But Stockholm Syndrome is considered to be a form of mental breakdown, a way the mind can cope to the intense stress of being the victim of a kidnapping situation. And it should be noted that both men and women have been shown to exhibit the characteristics of Stockholm Syndrome in such circumstances. Norman, however, would like us to believe that women are wired to submit to men and not vice versa, and simply put, that’s not true. Men and women are neurologically different in many ways, without a doubt, but a natural submissiveness is not a part of it. In Neolithic times, women often led tribes, and in Celtic Europe, women were allowed to hold political power and become great military leaders. In at least one historical case of a Celtic woman being kidnapped, raped and held for ransom, the end result was that she stole her captor’s sword, cut his head off and returned to her family. So to say that all women would eventually get used to their situation and accept their slavery is foolish, unless you also might add that all men would do the same thing.

So, yes, while slavery is a very real aspect of human society, it’s not really good to try and validate real-world slavery just because of the way it might be compared to the fictional Gorean slavery. If you’re going to decide that slavery is a legitimate part of modern-day (or ancient) society, then do it on its own merits outside of any comparison to Gor. And be willing to back up your beliefs based on reality as well.

I speak these things as a fully owned consensual slave who loves her Master and considers herself to be his property in all ways. But as much as I embrace my lifestyle, I would fight tooth-and-nail to free any man or woman who has been enslaved against their will. For as much as I believe slavery should be a right, so should freedom.

I followed it up with this two days later:
Indeed, there were incredible differences between the situations and welfares of some of the slaves throughout the Roman Empire. As I noted, any job that free Romans considered menial was usually regulated to either slaves or, at best, to former slaves who might have bought their freedom. Free-born Romans had far more rights than a slave who bought their freedom, and free-born Romans of Italy often became a rather spoiled lot for the most part. Despite the fact that there were slaves whose only job was to make breakfast in the morning or clean their Owner’s evening wear, such were quite the exception. In contrast, the typical slave was bought for domestic or agriculture work and was kept pretty busy, with some owners (such as Cato in his treatise "On Agriculture") stating that a slave should only ever have time off to eat and sleep.

The thing is, no matter what their station, unless a person was naturally born to be a slave, then being a slave would have been at heart a miserable condition.

Consider yourself, and envision that you were living peacefully with a wife, a son and a daughter on a small farm, when one day a group of Roman soldiers arrives and takes you all prisoner. You are all taken to an auction block, where you are sold to a man who desires somebody of your skills to help manage his own farm. Your wife, however, is sold to a man who desires somebody to help take care of his own children, and the fact that you have two healthy children makes her more valuable because she is seen as breeding stock for the production of future slaves. Your daughter is bought by an old weaver who desires her to help with his trade. Your son, who is both attractive and intelligent, is sold for a high price to a wealthy man who desires a companion for his own son and a boy to “keep him warm” at nights in the bedroom. You are taken away after the auction and never see your family again. After years of work on the farm doing an excellent job, your owner dies, and his heir sells off much of the estate to pay for bills. As a result you are sold to a different farm, where you lose all seniority and spend your final days doing back-breaking work.

Now then, how would you like it if somebody did that to your wife or son or daughter today? It could happen. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that modern-day slavery is only taking place in mid-eastern countries. It’s taking place in the good ol’ United States of America every day in every major city, folks. Don’t believe me? Just do a search on “sex slaves united states” on Google. Or follow one of these links ...

http://citybeat.com/cincinnati/article-3847-cover-story-of-human-bondage.html

http://www.thelantern.com/campus/sex-trafficking-hits-close-to-home-60-90-women-affected-in-franklin-county-1.890395

The simple thing is, forced slavery is a bad thing if you’re the one who is enslaved against your will. This isn’t about men being naturally dominant over women. This is about taking somebody’s life away from them and removing from them the ability to ever govern their destiny again.

I chose to become a slave, and I support consensual slavery. But non-consensual? Not on your life.


I also commented at length on a thread (called "Wishy Washy Gor") about the nature of being a Gorean, in particular on the relationship between a kajira and her Master:
When speaking of "wishy washy" Gor, people often look with blame toward the slave Owners and say that they're not strong enough, they let their property run things and make the rules, etc., etc.

And slaves often jump up and say they would do ANYTHING for their Owner because they serve with joy and total abandonment.

But, in question to the slaves, how many of you would REDUCE the things you do for your Owner?

What if your Owner got tired of the BDSM and said punishments in the future would be psychological, and instead of whipping you he made you sit in the corner without talking for three hours? What if your Owner decided to marry a free woman and said you would from now on be a purely domestic slave? What if your Owner said he didn't want to have sex with you ever again?

I have one set of die-hard limits regarding my servitude, and it's that my being a slave can in no way interfere with my relationship with my children. Period. Other than that, everything else is pretty much fair game.

Master is happily married, and primarily I'm a full-time, live-in domestic servant in his household. My principle duties throughout the days are to keep his large house clean, run errands for him and his wife, be their personal chef, and be his companion for conversation and other activities. Everything else is a reward, not a requirement.

In the novels, kajira were often relegated to non-sexual duties (such as being a kitchen slave), and they might not be allowed to engage in sexual activity for years at a time, if not ever.

To me, that's the hallmark of a consensual kajira -- that she be willing to do whatever is needed -- and abstain from whatever is needed -- as part of her duties as a slave.

Everybody has limits, of course. Mine have to do with my children. For other slaves, they might demand that their Owner not engage in sexual activities with anybody else (although that seems to me like a very strange requirement from somebody who claims to desire to emulate a Gorean kajira).

When do the limits get to be so piled up that saying you're Gorean becomes a farce, or what you're doing is simply no more than bedroom roleplaying? I can't answer that question. Some people might say that all Goreans are roleplayers because their philosphies are based on a bunch of erotic science-fiction books. To each their own, I figure.

The main thing is, there are no hard and set community standards regarding what it means to be a "true Gorean Master" and a "true Gorean slave", and whether somebody is being "wishy washy" or not. Whether such labels apply to you can only be answered in your own heart.

I commented again soon afterward:
In considering what is "truly Gorean," one must, indeed, consider all aspects in the books as valid if they were shown to be existant on the place we know of as counter Earth.

Panther Girls, for instance.

Yes, they lived outside of what many would consider to be "typical" Gorean society. But ask a Panther Girl if her lifestyle was valid, and chances are she'd say a resounding "YES!" ... right before capturing you at spearpoint, shaving a stripe in your hair and selling you to the next trader barge for a lump of candy and arrowheads.

Not all kajira were expected to meekly act like a doormat all the time. The bondgirls of the northern cities on Gor were smart and sassy, and the men loved them for it. The slaves of the Tuchuks carried daggers on their belts and were expected to be strong, brave and able to defend their camp at a moment's notice. Do you really expect the kajira of a woodcutter in the Northern Forests to wear silks and kneel quietly at his feet all day, her main purpose in life to make him drinks and provide sexual service? Of course not! Most likely, he would want a woman who would be strong and sturdy and intelligent, and who he could trust to be at his side through thick and thin.

You can no more lump all Gorean lifestyles in the books together than you can lump all Native American lifestyles together. The Navajo, Apache and Dakota tribes were all separate nations -- just like each city on Gor is its own nation -- and each had their own laws, customs and beliefs about life, death, nature, the roles of men and women, and the afterlife. They did not all worship the "Great Spirit" or have Pow Wows or hold Sweat Lodges or eat peyote for shamanic trances. To say such would be a great disservice to their incredible lives and diverse ways of existance.

So, ... diversity is the key to understanding Gor. Seeing Gor any other way is like looking at entire planet through a keyhole.

And I couldn't help, being somebody who loves words, on commenting on whether it's appropriate to try and integrate some of the words from the Gorean books into real life:
What is the purpose of language? As a long-time professional writer, I see language as a tool for expressing an idea in the best way possible, which means not only expressing an idea accurately, but also including any desired nuances.

Let's take "kajira", for example (and, no, you can't take me, for I'm already taken ...* winks with a smile*)

"Kajira" simply means "female slave" in the books. With that in mind, somebody might say that we shouldn't use the word "kajira," but instead should just say that somebody is a "female slave," or even just "slave" when the gender is obvious. However, when used outside of the novels, "kajira" has a very distinct meaning beyond simply "female slave." It carries with it the meaning "female slave as defined under Gorean philosphies" -- which brings with it the idea of "a woman who is property in a household where she is taught to embrace her feminity and seek to give of herself in joyful total servitude". This immediately provides a contrast to slaves who reside in other types of households, such as leather or military lifestyles with gender-neutral clothing and mannerisms, and it separates the slave from the submissives out there who like to pretend to be slaves while at heart are only doing it for their own pleasure.

Another wonderful Gorean word is "nadu", which in only four letters brings to mind the beautiful mental image of a woman on her knees, her legs spread enticingly while her hands rest on her thighs with the palms displayed to show her openness to serve. That one word says a mouthful, indeed. (Err ... was that last sentence a double entendre? *giggles*)

I also happen to like the word "harta", which indicates to the slave, "yeah, I know you're sexy and all that, but I want my drink NOW!" It's very useful at getting the point across and clearing up any possible misunderstandings very quickly. *chuckles*

New words and phrases, however, become a crutch and a hindrance when they only serve to increase confusion at the sake of novelty. The worst example of this I've found, and I'm sure that A/all of the P/people in this R/room will likely agree, is the idea of putting upper and lowercase letters on words with a slash when addressing A/all the potential R/readers of a message. Onlinism at its worst, I feel. Trivial misspellings of words to give them an artificial Gorean feel, such as "kollar" for collar (as michaelmanor mentioned) and "urth" for Earth, are silly at best and pretentious at worst.

Creating a new language can be a lot of fun, I have to admit -- just ask anybody who's fixated with that Klingon language that's been floating around Star Trek fandom for decades. From what I've heard, they translated the entire text of "Hamlet" into Klingon, and they're working on the Bible next for some reason that escapes me. Hey, if it floats their boat (or powers their starship), so be it, and more power to them! Regarding an artificial Gorean language, my feelings are the same -- if somebody wants to create one or use one that's floating around, then have fun with it -- but please remember it is just fun, and don't lose sight of that by trying to bring the pretend language into the real world and saying that makes you more of a "twoo Gorean".

I love language -- that's why I worked with it professionally for so many years, and I still find it a truly pleasurable task to write at length on, well, anything! But fun time is over, and for now, this kajira had better get back to her household chores ... harta! *bounces happily and scampers away*


Whew! Didn't I say that my joints were achy and I couldn't write? I guess my cold medicine is working after all, because I'm just starting to feel a bit stiff again!!!

So, on that note, I'll take off for the night and get some rest. See you again soon ... hopefully in the next couple of days!!!

And, as always ... la kajira!!!

Day 184 - On Being a Slave in my Dreams (Literally), On Being in Estrus as a Wolf (Spiritually), On Master and I Agreeing to Be Bonded Spiritually, On Reading Lots of Buffy Comics, and On Having a Bunch of Slaves in the Basement to Discuss Life and Stuff

It would seem I’ve passed a new mark in my situation with Master.

Now, even in my dreams, he owns me.

Last night I had a weird dream (all dreams are weird, right?) in which I was with an adventurous friend from years ago, and we got lost and went into a strange bar. There were a lot of girls in there dressed in colorful goth-looking dresses, and it looked like they were having a lot of fun. As with some dreams, the amount of clothes I was wearing kept changing to my puzzlement. At one point, my friend and I got separated, and I decided to stay inside and look at a clothing rack the restaurant had. On it were a variety of Harley-Davidson motorcycle jackets for sale, and I realized I was wearing two jackets already (a pretty white dress jacket from Coldwater Creek and over it a thick and pretty purple coat I got at a thrift shop), and I took them off and left them with the woman at the coat check, who told me she’d remember they were my coats because I have such memorable eyes (which people are always telling me in real life – it’s my most distinctive physical feature).

The bar now was much more like a normal bar, and all the girls with the colorful Victorian-style dresses were gone. I asked somebody where they went, and I was told they were there for a wedding party and had gone outside for it.

(I should note that M'Lady had recently told me that his son and daughter-in-law had a Victorian/Edwardian theme at their wedding. Also, Master had recently explained how clothing associated with the BDSM “Leather Lifestyle” originated with leather biker jackets.)

I started to go outside to look for my friend when I realized I was wearing one of the leather jackets by mistake, and I went back inside to return it to make sure they didn’t think I was stealing it. I was told that I could have kept it without anybody noticing, but I did the right thing and put it back on the rack, and went back outside to look for my friend, and, to my surprise, realized I was now wearing a different pretty brown cloth duster with rose embroidery from Coldwater Creek (FYI, Master and I had a talk about corporate ethics the night before, and about how ethics tests are worded so you should always answer that you would never steal anything, no matter how trivial such as a soda can that fell out of the vending machine, even if nobody is around to see you).

Anyway, I saw the back door led to a natural area with lots of trails going in different directions, and the ground was muddy, and I suddenly realized I wasn’t wearing shoes, so I went back inside with hopes of finding my friend. I realized I was wearing a sexy dress that displayed my breasts nicely, and I decided to sit down at a booth, order a drink and hope he’d turn up soon.

As I sat there, I stood up to look around and inquire about a drink special when I realized that suddenly I was naked and had been sitting under a soft blanket. As I held the blanket up around me, three men approached, all clearly interested in the fact I wasn’t wearing clothes, and sat down next to me. They were all normal guys, neither really attractive nor really ugly, the typical types you’d encounter in a bar. And they all started making passes at me and bragging about their sexual prowess or the size of their cocks, and they all assumed because I had been sitting there naked that I was definitely there for sex.

At one point in my life … even as recent as last summer … I would have felt dominated by them or interested in them or even turned on by them … and I would have gone along with their desires. Heck, almost exactly six months ago I did go home with a stranger I met with a bar, and we had hot and heavy sex until the sun came up.

But that was then, and this is now.

Without hesitation, I told the guys in my dream that I wanted to have sex with them, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t sure how to explain I was an owned slave, so instead I told them I was in a relationship, and the person I was with didn’t want me to have sex with other guys.

And the guys, in response, all looked disappointed and proceeded to stand up and move away from the booth where we were sitting.

Strangely enough, their female friends arrived about then and, in confusion, asked why they were leaving the booth, and wanted to know how come they weren’t going to have the “party” they had planned with me.

And that’s basically how the dream ended.

Master’s still asleep, but I think it’s time for me to get some coffee and start my day – with the peaceful knowledge that my entire being, both wakeful and sleeping, has accepted my situation entirely – and finds joyful acceptance in it.

…

That was yesterday morning, and now it’s Saturday afternoon.

I’ve been meaning to write all week but I took a break and let other things get in the way.

Last night was particularly important on a spiritual level, when Master and I talked very seriously first about the fact that I’m in estrus on a non-physical plain where I live as a wolf, and then about us binding ourselves together spiritually so that he could truly be able to protect my soul from being fucked up by Coyote spirit.

Both topics require a bit of an explanation, naturally.

As I’ve mentioned in previous blogs, I’ve done shamanic work for more than a decade, and I’m a therianthrope, which means I have mental and emotional and spiritual experiences (which aren’t always that pleasant) that appear to indicate I literally have the soul of a wolf in a human’s body. As a way of coming to terms with that situation, I’ve learned to enter into trances to allow for what’s known as non-physical “journeying” into realms beyond the physical world. In the realm I usually visit, I have lived for years as a wolf bitch with my spiritual mate, and during that time we’ve parented three litters of cubs and raised them into a fine pack in a remote seaside valley.

Every year for several weeks I experience unusual cravings and physical sensations. During the last few days, I’ve felt like I have a cold at times, with aches and chills, and soon afterward feel fine, then feel hot, then the cycle repeats itself. And I get desires for food all the time, and for strange mixtures, such as cottage cheese and salsa and peanut butter mixed together (which was quite yummy). And, more than anything, I feel different somehow, with a desire for something beyond myself.

Yesterday as I was eating the cottage-cheese mix, I joked to myself that I might be pregnant again … then realized I might not be joking, and then realized that I was in estrus yet again.

This has been a weird year for it because I’ve hardly been in contact with my wolf mate lately. For better or worse, we’ve grown a bit distant physically. At one time, he and I were planning to get married, but it never happened, and he remains in Kentucky, and I remain in Colorado, and we’re going out separate ways.

I contacted him last night about it, and he said he’s definitely feeling it, too, and we entered into trances together, at first online, but then … we didn’t need to talk anymore – we could just sense each other and see each other and be with each other spiritually. We were wolves, and we were together in the snow, with the rest of the pack nearby. And I sprayed my scent. And he nuzzled my vagina. And we mated. Gloriously and beautifully, as we have every year for years, as wolves have done for millions of years. Afterward, he ran off, and that bothered me at first, but he soon came back with a rabbit in his mouth, which he gave to our first litter’s gray cub, who has been thin and week lately and seems to be suffering from malnutrition. She munched it down and the journey ended with us lying tiredly together in the snow.

Earlier in the day before all that, I told Master about me being in estrus, and told him I might be a bit flaky and be experiencing emotional ups and downs during the next couple of weeks (and the next two months assuming I get pregnant). I was worried for a minute he would think I was nuts, but he took me quite seriously, which is no surprise, knowing his own very strong and vivid experiences working with his own spirit guides. He told me that he needed to be able to count on my performance for him as his slave, and that I needed to do whatever it took to make sure that what was going on with me spiritually didn’t bleed over to negatively affect me in the physical world.

We talked about other things spiritual, and it led to a discussion of how Coyote spirit is always working to screw me up, and things are never solid and secure around me as a result. Master and I both know that Coyote is a trickster, and more importantly, Coyote’s extremely goal oriented to a serious fault – meaning that he’ll do anything he can to achieve his goals and play his jokes, even if he winds up hurting people in the process. Coyote loves me dearly, I’ve learned without a doubt over the years, but his judgment can’t be trusted, I believe, in that sometimes he’ll fuck up my life just to get something done that he thinks is good for me – such as getting me fired from a job because he decides I need to move to a different city.

Well, after Master and I talked about Coyote, Master said with total confidence that Dragon spirit could handle anything Coyote could throw at me. I responded that Coyote’s pretty damn powerful, and I’m afraid he would hurt Master to get to me. And Master said he wouldn’t hurt any of us because Dragon would be between us and Coyote, and … suddenly … I started hearing something in my head … somebody talking to me … and the voice was telling me that the only way to defend me from Coyote would be for Master and me to be bound spiritually as a Master and slave, so that his energies and mine truly are connected. I told Master that, and told him what the voice also said … that by being bound to him, I would be bound to his spirits as their slave … to Dragon and Tiger and Orca and Owl … for they are extensions of Master … and that by binding to Master, I would be bound to him in ways that go beyond the physical realm. And the voice stopped, and I suddenly realized it was Raven talking to me, and I understood, for it was Raven who got me years ago into slavery in the first place (which is a long story).

It’s a scary concept. I mean, will this mean that I’ll be Master’s slave beyond death, into a future life? I’ve already been told that I’ll be a horse in a future life. Will this ensure that I’m Master’s horse in the future? I don’t know. But I’m sick of chaos. I want things to calm down. I want to be productive and sane. Coyote is crazy, and so am I to a degree, and I want that to change. And maybe, just maybe, if binding to Master will give me the stability I need to live a full, productive life the rest of my years, then so be it.

I told Master I was scared because I’ve never been away from Coyote all of my life, for he has affected me in ways beyond number since I was a very young child, going so far as to ensure that my daughter was born (“She shall be my child, and chaos shall follow in her path,” Coyote told me when I was praying for her conception, and, boy, has his prediction come true … *sighs*).

And Master looked at me firmly and said that Coyote could still visit me, but he would have to ask nicely for permission and would do it only under the watchful eyes of one of Master’s spirit guides.

Master and I don’t know when and how the ritual will be for the bonding, by the way, but we both agreed to do it, so it will be done … soon, I hope.

As far as the rest of the week went …

Earlier in the week I spent hours talking with my wolf mate in Kentucky, who also happens to be the editor of my novel. We went over the final chapter’s plots and what would work (and wouldn’t work) regarding the ending, and also talked a lot about what would potentially work regarding the novel’s sequel. My goal is to get back to working on the novel an hour every night, but that already seems too lofty a goal, and Master said the key is to making it move forward on a regular basis, even if it’s an hour every other day. If I can do that, I can finish the first draft of the novel within three or four months I figure, and once the first draft is done, getting everything polished for publication should be smooth sailing. I hope, anyway.

Another night I stayed up late reading Season Eight of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. In case you’re familiar with the series, you might be interested to know that the show’s creator, Joss Whedon (who also created Firefly/Serenity, Angel and Doll House) is keeping it going, with his writings being presented as a continuing series of graphic novels (*coughs* or comic books, as some might call them). I wouldn’t pay three bucks an issue for them, but I had a chance of viewing them online (through slightly less than legal means … “yo ho ho” and all that), and they were pretty good for a few hours read. I have to admit it, I was a dedicated Buffy fan. I think the first five years were among the best television in broadcast history, and I very eagerly looked forward to each week’s episodes. Those were golden years in TV for me, for at the same time was Deep Space Nine, which is, without a doubt, my favorite TV show of all time. I still have my Starfleet uniforms in the closet, which I would wear to conventions. I liked Star Trek in general, but Deep Space Nine stands out to me as the cream of the crop. Master, I might note, disagrees wholeheartedly. He feels the best TV science fiction ever was Babylon Five, followed by Farscape. And, yep, Farscape was good stuff, until it got a bit too dark for me in the third season. Master, however, likes dark fiction, and he’s determined I watch it one day. I have to admit, I’m looking forward to it. *smiles*

Another night I spent time messing with my computer trying to get it to play some old roleplaying games from the 1990s. It’s amazing how primitive some of those games are by today’s standards, but they were hot stuff back then. I did get one to actually work – an old cyberpunk adventure called Beneath a Steel Sky – and I’m looking forward to digging into it soon.

And the next night I stayed up late playing an online World War I air combat game, which was cool to watch but was actually dull to play, as all I did was fly around shooting at people, and I think games like that are dull as rocks. I stuck with it for awhile because I have an interest in history and a fascination with biplanes, I think because of the idea of being able to fly so bravely in such a rickety craft in a heroic age of chivalry in the air. Yeah, yeah, I know it wasn’t all about that. I’ve read the Red Baron’s autobiography, and in truth he was a psychopathic bully who got an equal kick out of shooting squirrels and shooting people. Still, though, it’s fun to think about as a modern-day fantasy.

None of that, however, has anything to do with being a slave … which is the whole point of this blog and why most of you read it, I’m assuming.

Most of the slave-related things this week have mostly been pretty normal, I have to admit. Cooking and cleaning and shopping and such. No whips or floggings or sex or anything out of the ordinary.

Today we hosted a Slave Group meeting in the basement of Master’s house as a way for local slaves to get together and openly talk among other slaves about good things and bad things and laugh and cry in a sympathetic, understanding environment. The meeting’s conversations are private, so I can’t talk about what we said, although I can say that we generally talked about things such as our backgrounds and how we became slaves, and the definition of a slave versus a submissive, and other subjects you’d think would be addressed at a first meeting.

Half a dozen slaves attended, and we talked for more than three hours, and I’d definitely say that things got off to a great start. The next meeting will be in five weeks at the home of one of the other slaves, and I’m definitely looking forward to it because, truth be told, I’m a bit lonely at times for somebody to talk with who understands what I’m experiencing. Although, actually, as weird as I am, I’m always a bit lonely no matter what because there’s simply nobody else like me in most ways.

The worst thing that happened is that one of the slaves announced she wouldn’t be coming back because she has a bad history with the Master of one of the other slaves, and she would rather drop out of the group than take the chance of encountering him. Such is life.

Another good thing (and bad thing for my diet) is we had quite a bit of munchies left. In particular, very yummy (but fatty) dip and sushi. Mmmm … sushi. Master let me get a big party tray of it for the slaves, and almost nobody would eat any of it but me. Several of the Masters of the slaves also stayed and chatted during the meeting, but they remained upstairs out of earshot. None of them were actually invited, as it was a slave’s meeting first and foremost, but they each asked if they could stay, and they did – for which Master got them some nifty snacks as well. As Master said, he definitely knows how to throw parties – he’s done it quite a bit in the past, and it’s going to likely become more regular around our home in the near future.

So that’s it for now. Oh, wait, you’re saying … what about the previous week? Y’know, the promised report on the Southwest Leather Conference’s events?

Maybe that’ll have to wait, yet again, until the next blog posting. Don’t worry, you’ll get it. A bit late, but you will.

Back again soon.

La kajira!!!

p.s. Just came back from a drumming circle. Master had planned to go with me, but got tired and stayed home. It was great, with a roomful of wild drummers and people dancing in the circle.

As I half expected, things got intense ... and I entered a trance ... and ... I was a wolf ... and was in the woods … and my mate found me … and nature followed its course ... *wags tail* Afterward I followed my mate, who was making a beeline back through the snow to the rest of the pack. Apparently we had been out hunting and hadn’t found anything. The gray cub from the first litter seems to be doing okay.
And the third-litter white cub. And, well, all the rest of the pack, too.