The last couple of days have been somewhat low key regarding my life with my Mistress, and yet I get a feeling things have turned a very important corner.
As mentioned in my previous posting, I wound up staying home the night before last by surprise, and Mistress took the occasion to take me out to dinner at Red Robin. Mistress decided afterward it wasn’t exactly a place we’ll be going back. Service was lousy. Lipstick was on my Mistress’s tea cup, and the Manager just laughed about it (he did try to make a little joke about the situation, but he still charged her for the tea). *shrugs* We still had fun, and it was a nice little outing.
Afterward, Mistress told me to contact Master G to discuss plans for me to serve him and his wife on a regular schedule … as in, two or three nights every week. Mistress feels that Master G and his wife could really use the help, and Mistress really likes Master G, and Master G could teach me some wonderful things he’s picked up during his decade in the lifestyle, and Mistress said she wants privacy at times (such as when her Master is over or when she’s with an intimate date), and said she sometimes actually likes being independent and handling things (such as cooking for herself) without a slave around. As glad as I am to be able to be with Master G and his wife so much, it concerned me that Mistress so quickly and casually decided to have Master G share in my Ownership so much, and I pondered such things as I headed to bed.
Along with doing the normal chores, I spent yesterday morning shopping with Mistress before heading out to be with my kids. Last night after I came home I was pretty happy but also pretty darn tired as well … more tired than a realized, which caused a quite unfortunate situation to erupt.
The puppyboy was there when I came home. He’s been suspended from his job, it seems, because he had at his workplace a sexually explicit catalog, which he gave to a friend, and the catalog was found in his friend’s desk, and things got traced back. The puppyboy was feeling rather unhappy about the whole thing, and I tried to cheer him up until he told me he was feeling rather depressed and suicidal, and for some reason that ticked me off. After my spending a year being incredibly depressed and suicidal, and my not having a job for a year and a half, for him to tell me he desperately needed to see a psychiatrist after being suspended for two days … just plain annoyed me.
And so I went to the kitchen to get a soda while he and Mistress talked, and I managed to knock over a glass of tea I had put in the fridge, causing it to spill over everything in the bottom part of the fridge and onto the floor, getting in the cracks and under the glass and into the veggie drawers and … I got pissed, way over the top. I started tossing things out of the fridge and swearing and making noise until I, very loudly, finished cleaning up everything. By then, the puppyboy had made his exit, and I went to Mistress, who (rightfully so) was extremely annoyed at me for making such a scene.
To be honest, I’m not sure why I exploded like I did except that I had some pent up stress and tiredness, and puppyboy acting like he did sort of lit a fuse. Oh, and the fact that I had done the same stupid thing a few nights earlier, causing coffee to spill all over everything. Oh, and the fact the kitchen was a total mess, with piles of dirty pots and pans and bowls and utensils everywhere, the signs of Mistress having made batches of chocolate-chip cookies while I was gone, and it was of course my job to clean it all up. And add to that the fact that the television was playing rather loudly in the background. My Asperger’s was in full gear last night, making it so the sounds of the TV in the background managed to distract me horribly, like the sounds of nails against a chalkboard. I hate having a TV on in the background when I’m trying to work or otherwise concentrate on something, and I told Mistress last night, and she told me angrily to just learn to live with it.
All that led to me going out with Mistress’s annoyed permission and getting some earplugs, which I used when I returned and started work on the kitchen mess. By then I was calmed down, more or less, and I lost myself for awhile in the meditative trance that comes when doing the chores – in this instance, the chore of cleaning up everything. Afterward I talked to Mistress and asked how things went with the puppyboy, and she told me she was rather unhappy at me because she felt the living room was a mess, and that it was my fault for failing to clean it during the last couple of days. And I responded that I hadn’t had time, and she attacked me for spending too much time on the Internet, and we went back and forth, and I started crying and I couldn’t take it and went upstairs.
I came back down and sat down on the stairs, still crying, and she angrily approached me and asked what exactly was wrong with me. And I told her that, in addition to everything, I was very stressed about my finances. Which were indeed stressing me out like crazy.
In case anybody hasn’t noticed, I haven’t been whooping and hollering about getting any jobs lately. Yep, all those jobs I applied for recently that seemed like great opportunities, and all those interviews which went so great, well … they all flopped for reasons beyond my knowledge. In just a little more than a month my unemployment will be running out. I was actually making significantly more than my ex at the time of the divorce (I was in software development), and even though we’re both unemployed, I’m the one paying child support because my unemployment check is larger. And I’m scared as all hell, because in about a month I’ll either likely be out of money or very likely I’ll be working a job making barely above minimum wage just to keep my head above water.
And I told that to Mistress, and I started bawling because I wanted so much to be a slave, but I was so afraid I’d be spending all my time on a lousy job away from her making just enough money to survive… and she got really pissed at me and said I was spoiled and said I needed to toughen up because a lot of people are having to work jobs they hate, and I will likely have to be one of them and so I’d better get used to the idea.
It was horrible. Mistress and I have never had an actual fight, and I felt afterward that I had finally totally screwed things up between us.
Mistress ended the conversation by demanding to know what I wanted of her. And I shakily told her I just wanted to be Owned by her. And she told me to make up a list of the things I felt being “Owned” meant to me, and I told her that being Owned meant simply … being Owned as property in every way. Even the Thralls of the Vikings, I thought, were guaranteed room and board by their Owners (assuming their Owners didn’t kill them, of course). And I told Mistress last night I was concerned about having to pay rent and everything, and she barked at me saying that we’ll handle things as they come, and she went to bed.
Today her attitude was a little different. In subtle ways, but in powerful ones.
For example, she said she wanted to draw up a formal contract. She wants to set in stone all of her rules and regulations, and everything she expects, and what punishments I will receive for failing or disobeying her. It was a total surprise to me, and she said she thinks we need it because she’s now feeling that we’ll be together potentially for a long time. She said the contract won’t be ready very soon, but it’ll definitely be needed once we reach our one-year anniversary … and I was thrilled and flabbergasted that she was assuming (particularly after last night) that we’ll be together that long!
And several times today, she directly ordered me to do something, and when I looked at her and started to question things respectfully, she ordered me to be quiet and do what I was told. Tonight she said she’s finally realized that she doesn’t have to explain herself to me, and from now on she won’t most of the time, but will instead expect me to obey her without question.
At another point in the day, I nervously asked her if instead of the necklace she gave me (which is her collar that I wear), if today I could wear a necklace that Master G’s wife gave me (which is thick and beautiful and violet, my favorite color). And Mistress said she didn’t have any problem with me doing that … as long as I ALWAYS remembered that I was collared by her and that I was her property.
And Mistress said she’s also thinking about getting me a ring (!!!) to represent publicly that I’m taken, and that I’m Owned by her to all the world.
And when I mentioned how Master G wrote me back and he was very happy with the idea of co-owning me several days each week, Mistress said that although Master G will be my her proxy and I treat him like my Owner in all respects when she’s not around, when Mistress is around I am to ALWAYS remember that she is my true Owner in every respect.
She’s more aloof from me than normal. We were very busy all day from the moment we awoke, but we’re busy a lot of days. Today, however, Mistress was more serious. Playful, but, without a doubt, always in control.
It’s very clear – she Owns me. I think whatever doubts she might have had in the past about that are quickly melting away. And she’s acting on that knowledge.
At one point I told her how happy I am that she Owns me, and I asked her if she’s happy Owning me, and she said, “What choice do I have?” in that she was expressing that she felt she was committed now and couldn’t get rid of me if she wanted to. I mentioned Master G may want to own me and might buy me from her, and that’s when she mentioned the ring all of a sudden, and I was a bit swept away by emotion for a few minutes afterward, even as I was continuing to work (I was making dinner for her when she told me of her idea).
I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future. But I have a distinct feeling that wherever my path may lead, I’ll be wearing a collar, and I’ll be Owned by my Mistress for a while.
And it sounds good to me. *smiles*
La kajira!
Showing posts with label puppyboy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label puppyboy. Show all posts
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Day 60 - On Boring Porn, Fucking a Puppyboy from the Top, Wanting a Guy to Fuck Me While I'm on Bottom, Attending a Class on Protocol, and Steampunk Coming Soon!
I’m sitting at the top of the stairs, typing on my laptop. I came up here to get away from the distractions downstairs.
Hardcore porn is playing on the big-screen TV in the living room. A nubile blonde sucks some guy’s cock on the video while my Mistress is sucking her Master’s cock while he sits back in one of the Lazy Boy chairs.
Mistress enjoys such videos. I just roll my eyes. Porn bores me for the most part. I’m not saying there isn’t porn out there that I might potentially enjoy, but as a friend told me a long time ago, “What’s the point of watching people having more fun than you’re having?” Although, I admit, since Mistress and her Master are duplicating right now what’s happening on the screen, I guess what my friend said doesn’t really apply here.
The last few days haven’t been overly exciting, at least as far as things worth posting in my blog. We visited the puppyboy again two days ago, and this time I got the chance to climb on top of him after I had sucked him to hardness. He came twice in me, with his cum soaking both of us. I orgasmed twice as well, but they were little ones. *shrugs* I wasn’t really into it that night, so it was no real big deal for me.
I’m sick of fucking guys from the top. That’s what overweight guys all seem to want. The last time I had sex from the bottom was the night I went home with that muscle-built construction worker. Yeah, he was so powerful and huge he stretched me to the point of painfulness. But … wow … was he memorable. And he took me like a woman WANTS to be taken. Mmmmm ….
Yesterday I spent far too much time responding to a new comic posted on Collar6. I got all protective of the main character (a consensual slave named Laura) after it was revealed that her Mistress had slipped an aphrodisiac into Laura’s coffee without her knowledge, and the Mistress and a maid were both laughing about how they were about to have fun with the shy, innocent, tender slave after getting her into a heavy bondage suit and taking her to a harem for wild sex in the basement. The strip has been incredibly sweet and loving in places up to this point, and to see it potentially change like that really bothered me because I identify with Laura in a lot of ways. If you want, you can read my rather convoluted rantings there at: Collar6 - Potentcy - Comments
Last night I went to a session on protocol at The Sanctuary BDSM club in Denver. Besides the two very experienced Masters who presented it, the only people who showed up were me, one of the Master’s slaves, a 24-year-old woman who has been in the BDSM lifestyle for eight years (yes, I’m not kidding … she started when she was 16), and the girl’s boyfriend, who was really the only person there who didn’t already know everything taught in the class. The girl was pretty cool, but I was REALLY envious, because I can barely imagine what it would have been like to have been introduced to all this when I was that young. What’s even more amazing (at least, to me) is that her mom found out about her activities, and in response, her mom invited her to a BDSM play party! Yep … her mom was into the lifestyle as well, and was a long-term die-hard Gorean. Beats having ultra-conservative Southern Baptist parents, like I had.
Speaking of my childhood, somebody wrote me today asking, as background for a story, whether I had always longed to be a slave, and whether it all made sense (like a lightbulb coming on) after I was finally exposed to it. Here was my response:
~~~~~~~~~
I'd love to help! Your questions have me going back in thought on my life. Sometimes, thinking like that brings back unpleasant memories, but in this case, the feelings are quite warm.
A quick overview of my life might be useful. I was raised by two very conservative religious parents in Texas, and, for all intents and purposes, they way they treated me set me up to be a nice, submissive, obedient housewife. I was often as a child publicly humiliated for even simple disobedience, and my mother would pull down my pants and undies in front of other people then discipline me with a switch freshly broken from a tree. Despite all that, they spoiled me as well in many ways regarding household chores, but that was, I believe, because my mother was also extremely subservient, and she would quickly obey everything my father told her to do, and would get all freaky if anything in the house was out of order. And so I was taught to be a perfectly obedient but lazy slave, if that makes sense. *sighs* I've debated with myself for decades the old nature versus nurture debate -- whether I'm slave-hearted and they realized that in their treatment of me, or whether their treatment of me made me that way, but either way what they did certainly helped foster it. I've heard people say that, "All slaves seek their parents at heart," and that may truly be the case.
Because I was so intelligent (at least, in school), my parents decided I would go to college and be an engineer (it was their choice, not mine). I didn't do well, despite my intelligence, and after graduating I felt a longing for something I couldn't quite put my finger on. After struggling to survive on my own, I soon found somebody quite dominant (so much that, while we were still dating, they raided my closet and threw away any "undesired" possessions, and I didn't complain), and we were consequently married for about 17 years.
I can safely say that SecondLife destroyed our marriage, but not because I was addicted to it. Instead, it exposed me to something truly amazing -- the BDSM community. Even more so, it was there I discovered Gor. My spouse considered BDSM to be obscene and would not allow me to explore it, and my Internet usage and social life was largely restricted, so I was very sheltered in many ways and I didn't know there were people who lived in formal "Dominant/submissive" lifestyles, or especially in "Master/slave" ones. A few weeks into SecondLife, however, my submissiveness became clear to the people working in (and visiting) the stripper/escort bar where I worked online (and, yes, I kept my SecondLife activities secret, and would usually only get online after my ex was in bed or not in the house). One of the people there took control of me, and I loved it. She taught me a bit about the idea of being owned, and to me, this was perfectly natural and wonderful, as if finally I had found my calling in life. I think it was only a few days later that I accidentally followed him/her into a Gorean sim and ... the lightbulb that had been turned on by that dominant suddenly flared into an almost blinding intensity. I knew then I had found my home, and before I knew it I was serving naked as a kajira (a Gorean female slave) on the docks of an online city known as Port Cos.
I had to know even more, and I discreetly sought out a real-life Gorean group, and I told my spouse I was going to a meeting with a group of fantasy roleplayers. I was collared by the Master of a local Gorean household and remained a weekend slave for months before I got a little scared of where things were going (I've since learned that Master has a reputation in the community for being a bit too extreme, and I'm not the only person he scares a bit.) I gave up SecondLife and tried to keep the marriage going but ... it didn't work in the long run. I had been given a taste of forbidden fruit of knowledge, and the siren song of the collar continued to play it's irresistible tune in my heart day and night.
In late 2006, when my ex and I were already talking divorce, I returned to SecondLife on a lark, and that proved to me my undoing ... as far as being a free woman goes. I returned to Gor, where I was collared by people who realized my true nature. The dream of being a kajira, existing only to please and serve, grabbed hold of my mind so tightly that I became addicted to SecondLife, living there as much as possible to the great detriment of my real life. I became totally immersed in the online slave culture, and I was soon being courted by men who wanted me to be their slave in real life. That began a journey that resulted in me at one point being a weekend slave in a different Gorean household for about six months, then spending about four months very directly and determinedly seeking somebody who could own me full time. After getting to know dozens of potential Masters (and serving in the households of several of them), I met my Mistress as she sat at the side of her Master and ... the rest is history.
Gaaah! Did I say "quick" overview??? *chuckles* That's what you get for asking a writer a simple question!
And to boil things down ... I believe I've always had a slave heart, but I didn't know it. I longed for being the property of somebody, being owned totally, but I couldn't find words or thoughts to express my desires. If I had known it when I was young, I believe my life would have been a much better, happier one, because I could have pursued the right path for me from the start.
And when I was finally exposed to it after decades of ignorance, it was definitely like a lightbulb going off. I knew that this was the heart of my inner feelings and self identity in so many ways, and once the door was opened, there was no closing it ever again.
~~~~~~~~~
After last night’s class, I went home with Master G (who was one of the presenters), and we talked and touched tenderly for a long time. I care for him deeply, and he said he feels the same for me. Mistress knows, and she said she’s going to work out a schedule with him to allow me to go over on a regular basis and stay the night, basically resulting in me being shared between them in most ways. I can hardly wait!!!
And … to my shock … he’s into Steampunk!!! I LOVE STEAMPUNK!!! He’s even teaching a class on it next week at The Sanctuary, and there will be a Steampunk party the following weekend. I’ll be going with him to both in costume, and that will be SOOO KEWL!!!
*giggles*
And on that note, time to run off to see my kids for awhile. Enjoy!!!
La kajira!!!
Hardcore porn is playing on the big-screen TV in the living room. A nubile blonde sucks some guy’s cock on the video while my Mistress is sucking her Master’s cock while he sits back in one of the Lazy Boy chairs.
Mistress enjoys such videos. I just roll my eyes. Porn bores me for the most part. I’m not saying there isn’t porn out there that I might potentially enjoy, but as a friend told me a long time ago, “What’s the point of watching people having more fun than you’re having?” Although, I admit, since Mistress and her Master are duplicating right now what’s happening on the screen, I guess what my friend said doesn’t really apply here.
The last few days haven’t been overly exciting, at least as far as things worth posting in my blog. We visited the puppyboy again two days ago, and this time I got the chance to climb on top of him after I had sucked him to hardness. He came twice in me, with his cum soaking both of us. I orgasmed twice as well, but they were little ones. *shrugs* I wasn’t really into it that night, so it was no real big deal for me.
I’m sick of fucking guys from the top. That’s what overweight guys all seem to want. The last time I had sex from the bottom was the night I went home with that muscle-built construction worker. Yeah, he was so powerful and huge he stretched me to the point of painfulness. But … wow … was he memorable. And he took me like a woman WANTS to be taken. Mmmmm ….
Yesterday I spent far too much time responding to a new comic posted on Collar6. I got all protective of the main character (a consensual slave named Laura) after it was revealed that her Mistress had slipped an aphrodisiac into Laura’s coffee without her knowledge, and the Mistress and a maid were both laughing about how they were about to have fun with the shy, innocent, tender slave after getting her into a heavy bondage suit and taking her to a harem for wild sex in the basement. The strip has been incredibly sweet and loving in places up to this point, and to see it potentially change like that really bothered me because I identify with Laura in a lot of ways. If you want, you can read my rather convoluted rantings there at: Collar6 - Potentcy - Comments
Last night I went to a session on protocol at The Sanctuary BDSM club in Denver. Besides the two very experienced Masters who presented it, the only people who showed up were me, one of the Master’s slaves, a 24-year-old woman who has been in the BDSM lifestyle for eight years (yes, I’m not kidding … she started when she was 16), and the girl’s boyfriend, who was really the only person there who didn’t already know everything taught in the class. The girl was pretty cool, but I was REALLY envious, because I can barely imagine what it would have been like to have been introduced to all this when I was that young. What’s even more amazing (at least, to me) is that her mom found out about her activities, and in response, her mom invited her to a BDSM play party! Yep … her mom was into the lifestyle as well, and was a long-term die-hard Gorean. Beats having ultra-conservative Southern Baptist parents, like I had.
Speaking of my childhood, somebody wrote me today asking, as background for a story, whether I had always longed to be a slave, and whether it all made sense (like a lightbulb coming on) after I was finally exposed to it. Here was my response:
~~~~~~~~~
I'd love to help! Your questions have me going back in thought on my life. Sometimes, thinking like that brings back unpleasant memories, but in this case, the feelings are quite warm.
A quick overview of my life might be useful. I was raised by two very conservative religious parents in Texas, and, for all intents and purposes, they way they treated me set me up to be a nice, submissive, obedient housewife. I was often as a child publicly humiliated for even simple disobedience, and my mother would pull down my pants and undies in front of other people then discipline me with a switch freshly broken from a tree. Despite all that, they spoiled me as well in many ways regarding household chores, but that was, I believe, because my mother was also extremely subservient, and she would quickly obey everything my father told her to do, and would get all freaky if anything in the house was out of order. And so I was taught to be a perfectly obedient but lazy slave, if that makes sense. *sighs* I've debated with myself for decades the old nature versus nurture debate -- whether I'm slave-hearted and they realized that in their treatment of me, or whether their treatment of me made me that way, but either way what they did certainly helped foster it. I've heard people say that, "All slaves seek their parents at heart," and that may truly be the case.
Because I was so intelligent (at least, in school), my parents decided I would go to college and be an engineer (it was their choice, not mine). I didn't do well, despite my intelligence, and after graduating I felt a longing for something I couldn't quite put my finger on. After struggling to survive on my own, I soon found somebody quite dominant (so much that, while we were still dating, they raided my closet and threw away any "undesired" possessions, and I didn't complain), and we were consequently married for about 17 years.
I can safely say that SecondLife destroyed our marriage, but not because I was addicted to it. Instead, it exposed me to something truly amazing -- the BDSM community. Even more so, it was there I discovered Gor. My spouse considered BDSM to be obscene and would not allow me to explore it, and my Internet usage and social life was largely restricted, so I was very sheltered in many ways and I didn't know there were people who lived in formal "Dominant/submissive" lifestyles, or especially in "Master/slave" ones. A few weeks into SecondLife, however, my submissiveness became clear to the people working in (and visiting) the stripper/escort bar where I worked online (and, yes, I kept my SecondLife activities secret, and would usually only get online after my ex was in bed or not in the house). One of the people there took control of me, and I loved it. She taught me a bit about the idea of being owned, and to me, this was perfectly natural and wonderful, as if finally I had found my calling in life. I think it was only a few days later that I accidentally followed him/her into a Gorean sim and ... the lightbulb that had been turned on by that dominant suddenly flared into an almost blinding intensity. I knew then I had found my home, and before I knew it I was serving naked as a kajira (a Gorean female slave) on the docks of an online city known as Port Cos.
I had to know even more, and I discreetly sought out a real-life Gorean group, and I told my spouse I was going to a meeting with a group of fantasy roleplayers. I was collared by the Master of a local Gorean household and remained a weekend slave for months before I got a little scared of where things were going (I've since learned that Master has a reputation in the community for being a bit too extreme, and I'm not the only person he scares a bit.) I gave up SecondLife and tried to keep the marriage going but ... it didn't work in the long run. I had been given a taste of forbidden fruit of knowledge, and the siren song of the collar continued to play it's irresistible tune in my heart day and night.
In late 2006, when my ex and I were already talking divorce, I returned to SecondLife on a lark, and that proved to me my undoing ... as far as being a free woman goes. I returned to Gor, where I was collared by people who realized my true nature. The dream of being a kajira, existing only to please and serve, grabbed hold of my mind so tightly that I became addicted to SecondLife, living there as much as possible to the great detriment of my real life. I became totally immersed in the online slave culture, and I was soon being courted by men who wanted me to be their slave in real life. That began a journey that resulted in me at one point being a weekend slave in a different Gorean household for about six months, then spending about four months very directly and determinedly seeking somebody who could own me full time. After getting to know dozens of potential Masters (and serving in the households of several of them), I met my Mistress as she sat at the side of her Master and ... the rest is history.
Gaaah! Did I say "quick" overview??? *chuckles* That's what you get for asking a writer a simple question!
And to boil things down ... I believe I've always had a slave heart, but I didn't know it. I longed for being the property of somebody, being owned totally, but I couldn't find words or thoughts to express my desires. If I had known it when I was young, I believe my life would have been a much better, happier one, because I could have pursued the right path for me from the start.
And when I was finally exposed to it after decades of ignorance, it was definitely like a lightbulb going off. I knew that this was the heart of my inner feelings and self identity in so many ways, and once the door was opened, there was no closing it ever again.
~~~~~~~~~
After last night’s class, I went home with Master G (who was one of the presenters), and we talked and touched tenderly for a long time. I care for him deeply, and he said he feels the same for me. Mistress knows, and she said she’s going to work out a schedule with him to allow me to go over on a regular basis and stay the night, basically resulting in me being shared between them in most ways. I can hardly wait!!!
And … to my shock … he’s into Steampunk!!! I LOVE STEAMPUNK!!! He’s even teaching a class on it next week at The Sanctuary, and there will be a Steampunk party the following weekend. I’ll be going with him to both in costume, and that will be SOOO KEWL!!!
*giggles*
And on that note, time to run off to see my kids for awhile. Enjoy!!!
La kajira!!!
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