Master’s gone, and I feel weird.
He and M’Lady flew out to Las Vegas today to attend an adult-industry trade show, leaving me all alone in the house until Monday afternoon. I haven’t been alone (except while driving in my car) for months, and I have to admit that the big house feels a bit spooky tonight.
Give me a chance to go hiking, and I can go out by myself (or in the company of a dog) for a pretty darn long time. But I’m at heart a country girl – I grew up on a ranch in Texas – and when I’m in a developed area I prefer to not be alone.
I remember the first night I spent in an apartment after my ex and I divorced almost two years ago. We had been together for almost 20 years. I didn’t sleep a wink that night. I cried almost non-stop, and at some points I was wailing in anguish. A lot has happened since then, however, and I’ve gotten used to solitude, to a degree. But I’ve never been happy with it, which I figure is part of the reason I was so addicted to SecondLife – because I wanted the feeling that there were always other people within easy reach of my thoughts, ready to interact with me. There was always another world besides this one I could escape to.
I went through a year of hell during the following 12 months. I experienced the darkest depths of my life and sank to truly the deepest pits of my soul.
But that was then, and this is now. I don’t want to escape from reality anymore. I’m closer to my children than ever before, and we love each other deeply. I’ve found true fulfillment being a slave for a man who I believe is one of the best Masters anybody could ever hope to encounter. Things aren’t perfect, but I’ve found peace and happiness.
If you want to compare life as a slave to a video game (which is a strange concept, I admit), then lately I feel like I’ve “level upped” -- in that now that I’ve pretty much achieved the necessary level of experience at the rudimentary skills of Master’s household, he’s both hitting me with more complex assignments and penalizing me more harshly when I fail. He’s increasing his level of expectation of me as his slave, which makes me feel good at knowing he’s satisfied with my past performance while making me more stressed at having to deal with his fine tuning of my abilities. When I made little mistakes at first, he put up with them – but now he very clearly shows his annoyance (at least, some of the time). Fortunately, though, I’m now have enough self confidence at what I’m doing that seeing his dissatisfaction doesn’t make me want to crumple into a ball of tears. Instead, I realize that it’s an indication that he knows I’m worthy of tougher situations and I’m being held to higher requirements of perfection.
Enough rambling on the subject – time for a case point, being last week, when he called me on the carpet (actually, on the hard-wood floor at his feet) over the fact that I bought brown eggs from cage-free chickens at the supermarket. During one of our first shopping excursions together, I recommended to Master that he purchase “cage-free” eggs because I thought they were more humane for the chickens, but Master told me he did not want to spend the extra money for what he considered a “political” issue. A few days ago, when I was shopping, I saw that the cage-free eggs were on sale (for less than a dollar more than normal eggs), and I bought them along with the rest of the groceries. That night, however, after he had a rather frustrating day, Master expressed his annoyance and disappointment in me because he felt I was directly disobeying an order and wasting money against his explicit instructions. He was very stern and very intense in his expression of unhappiness, and made no bones about the fact that he expected me to give him my full obedience in all things as his slave without exception. I was hurt and ashamed, but it was a case of misunderstanding, and I explained it to him calmly (and a bit nervously). I thought it was the amount of money that originally concerned him, and the fact that the eggs were on sale (plus the fact that this brand of eggs had added anti-oxidants) made me feel I would be able to make a judgment call and to make the purchase without asking his approval.
We talked in circles for a little while before we fully understood each other, and Master made it very clear that his orders were ORDERS, and that I was not to ever make an exception to his instructions without asking him first. Once he was confident I understood that, he dismissed me, and after I had left the room he took it upon himself to research the validity of whether there might actually be a valid reason to purchase cage-free eggs. He concluded from reading some Internet articles that there is no health benefit to cage-free eggs, the diet of the hens is the same as for hens in cages, cage-free hens might still be in extremely cramped quarters, and there is no government regulation regarding the term “cage free,” so in light of all that he said he doesn’t want me to purchase cage-free eggs in the future. The fact that he took the trouble to research the issue after our discussion truly warmed my heart and showed me yet again how wise and considerate he is as a Master, and together we grew closer from the incident, I feel.
A few days before that incident, another issue arose. That time, I really upset Master, so much that we missed an outing at the Sanctuary BDSM club. Well, what happened is that one night a couple of weeks early I had forgotten to check the stove was off before we left (I had cooked dinner as normal that night), and I told Master about my concern just as we were pulling out of the driveway. He stopped the car, clearly annoyed, and told me to check it and come back in a hurry. I did (the stove was safely off) and we went on our way, with Master telling me never to do that again. Unfortunately, the night after Christmas, I did do it again, but worse. After we had left the driveway and were starting to go down the street, again to the Sanctuary, I suddenly thought for sure I had left on the stove, and I told Master of my concern. Immediately seeing his anger at my words, I said I would call M’Lady and ask her to check the stove. And I called over and over as Master drove further and further from the house, but M’Lady didn’t pick up the phone. Eventually Master turned around and went back, and I ran in – only to find that I had turned off the stove after all. I ran back out to Master, only to find that he was coming back inside with his “toy” bag (of floggers and paddles), and he took off his coat and hung it up as I watched in with deep guilt in my heart. We would have been about 15 minutes later than planned, but Master was so upset at me that he cancelled plans entirely. He said he had lost all desire to go that night after what I had done, and he went upstairs and spent the rest of the evening on his computer.
The thing is, if I had been a new slave, he might have expected such mistakes, but now he’s expecting that I won’t be so irresponsible, and when I was, it really irritated him. I was crushed by what I had done, because I knew I had ruined the evening for him, and my life truly is dedicated to his happiness. But I didn’t scream or break down emotionally. I took it calmly. After collapsing dejectedly but quietly onto the floor near the couch, dazed, I thought about the situation for a long time, calmed myself down, and decided to move forward with the evening by apologizing to Master, swearing I would find a way to make sure from now on that I have a safety checklist I go over before leaving the house, and then I did chores into the evening (completing a very long assignment that involved sorting a huge stack of nearly a half year of household payment receipts). I also realized I hadn’t been able to get hold of M’Lady because I had incorrectly programmed Master’s cell phone as his home phone. Master seemed okay by the end of the night, but I stayed largely away from him, letting him wind down in peace while doing my best not to bother him, and we went on with our lives, with me hopefully becoming a better slave in the process.
And that’s not all, folks. Remember that big Christmas dinner I made for Master and M’Lady? Well, I got the idea for it after I a trip to my chiropractor in a nearby city a in early December, and afterward I went shopping casually at a nearby store that specializes in imported British goods. I bought several of the necessary items at the time, and the shopkeeper (whose parents owned the place) became friendly with me. I had met the guy several months earlier before I was with Master, at a time when I was considering being a copywriter, and I had attempted to convince the guy to contract me to make a Website for his business. He’s a computer Luddite, with no e-mail address or anything, and he couldn’t see the value of advertising his store on the Internet. Nonetheless, after all that time he remembered me when I came in, which was a bit flattering. By the end he was flirting just a bit, even to the point of suggesting we could get together when he was off work, and I smiled at the idea and told Master later, feeling a bit good about the attention. The guy is cute is a nerdy Rowan Atkinson type of way, and thoughts of him popped into my mind at times afterward.
Well, right before Christmas I needed to head back to that area, and while there I made it a point to stop by the shop to get some final things for the dinner preparation, and that guy and I flirted again -- a lot, I have to admit. By the time I left the shop, I was so flustered and overcome by lustful desires that I gave the guy my phone number and, in response to his request, said I’d be looking forward to going out with him for coffee (or possibly something more private) after the holidays.
That night I told Master about what I had done and let’s just say that he wasn’t very happy. At first I was a bit crushed, because I thought Master would have encouraged me to have some fun with the guy. But Master made it clear to me that HE was my Owner, and it was NOT appropriate for me as a slave to give out my phone number to a man and to lead him on without my Owner’s specific approval. My time and my life aren’t my own anymore. They belong to Master. And it hit me just how right he was, and how wrong I had been, and how I had let lust overcome my devotion to my Owner. Master wasn’t overly angry, but he just wanted to make sure I was put in my proper place and remembered my situation in his household. It was like a glass of water was splashed in my face, in that it woke me up and made me realize I had been slipping a bit in a few ways – possibly because we had not had contact with other people very much for weeks because Master had been feeling run down. Whatever the reason, after that all sunk in, my lust flowed out of my system like water down a drain, making me also realize just how little the guy at the shop and I actually have in common. I love to read about history and watch science-fiction movies and cook fancy meals and discuss philosophy and seek spiritual insights, all while being a dedicated slave. When I asked that guy what he does on his days off, he told me he cleans his house, watches American football and watches European car racing. Err … yeah. He wanted to fuck me, and I wanted him to. And that’s not enough, Master said. If I’m going to have an intimate relationship with somebody, he said, it’s going to be somebody that is worthy of my respect and has substantially more in common with me than that guy. *smiles warmly* Master again showed me just how wonderful he was by protecting me then. By the way, that guy called me up today and left a message saying he wanted to get together. Master told me I should call him back and let him know the truth – I’m a slave, and my Master doesn’t feel it’s appropriate for us to get together, and to leave it at that. And I will.
Yet, in the face of those mistakes, I realize that they stand out as exceptions, and both Master and I know that. I’m still working to find ways to manage my time more effectively, and I’m working every day to find ways to improve my talents as a slave. But overall, despite my relative newness to being one full time, Master continues to say I’m the best slave he’s ever had, and that truly feels me with a deep pride.
And just as I continue to be diligent in my dedication to Master, he has been repeatedly surprising me lately with gifts and expenditures, which he says he considers an aspect of what a very strong dedication to taking responsibility for me. As I have devoted my life to his needs and desires, he is making sure my own needs and desires are met in various appropriate ways.
One wonderful (and amazing) example is when he decided to take my former computer and get it all fixed up for me to give to my kids for schoolwork and other uses. I had a good (and quite fast and powerful) computer that was a few years old, but I had inadvertently let dust accumulate in it to the point where it caused a micro-spark one day that fried the computer’s motherboard. I wailed at my stupidity at the time, but it happened as I was moving in with Mistress (the woman who owned me before Master), and she let me borrow another computer to use. The computer sat unusable among my possessions for months until Master recently asked me about it and decided that he didn’t want a perfectly good computer that could be fixed to remain broken. Master wound up spending hundreds of dollars and hours of labor getting it repaired and replacing the DVD drive, all without even a request from me, but simply because he decided it was the right thing to do. I marvel at Master’s generosity and huge heart at doing things like that, and such things make me love him all the more.
And then there are the little but equally wonderful things. Like when I casually mentioned the other day that I had seen something in the basement that sparked my curiosity. It was a vibrator commonly known as a “rabbit.” (Here’s a similar one I saw a picture of on the Internet). Master’s response was he would get me one and let me try it out. *gulps* Soon I was lying naked on my bed, with it firmly pushed up my moist pussy, and the rabbit’s little “ears” nestled firmly against my clit. The vibrator he got for me has five different types of pulse settings, and I tried them out one at a time until … BOOM! One of the settings – which does a slow pulse, then a faster one, then a faster one, then a really intense one, then starts over with a slow one, over and over and over again, REALLY set me off with orgasm after orgasm! If somebody turned me into a mannequin then and there with that thing stuck in my vagina for the rest of my existence, I would have been a happy girl, I tell you that (Okay, maybe not perfectly happy, but it was the fantasy flowing through my head at the time. *giggles*) The vibrator also had a button causing it’s bulbous end (which was deep in my vaginal cavity) to swivel, and that was rather nice, too, I have to say. *bites her lip and blushes* I came down to see Master about a half hour later and express my great appreciation, but he seemed to already know what I thought of it because he said he has heard what sounded like “a wild animal caught in a bear trap” in my room. To be honest, I was actually trying to be keep my responses quiet because, had I actually let out what I was feeling at the time, my screams of orgasmic pleasure would have alerted the neighbors for at least the surrounding three or four blocks. *chuckles merrily*
Well, it’s getting late, and my bed is calling to me, so I’m going to head out for the night, with a hope that I don’t wake up feeling nervous at being alone. While Master is gone, I plan to keep myself busy with chores (he gave me a list of things to do in addition to my normal tasks to make sure I wasn’t bored), and to be around somebody I spent the afternoon and early evening with my former Mistress. She’s doing well, by the way, but it’s sadly clear that most of the spark has faded away between us, although we remain friends without a doubt. I noted to Master the other day that he had passed a little milestone, in that as of Sunday of this week he’s owned me longer than Mistress did, and Master said he feels that by now he totally owns me without a doubt. Between the two of them, I’ve been a slave without cessation for more than five months, and yet it seems like only yesterday that Mistress collared me, formally ending my life as a free woman. *sighs with a gentle smile* But anyway, tomorrow I’ll be with my kids in the afternoon, and from Friday until Saturday morning I’ll be staying with the Gorean Master/slave couple we had dinner with awhile back. That slave loves Guitar Hero, too (she’s the person who introduced me to it), so I have a feeling we’ll be merrily having a few guitar duels while I’m there. I’ve got my axe, so I’m ready to take her on! *giggles* That leaves Saturday night, but I’m sure I’ll find something to keep my mind off my aloneness … I hope.
Well, toodles for now. And, as always …
La kajira!!!
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
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