Day 176 -- Rowlf. *cocks her head tiredly*

Mmm … tired. I just got through hiking across open fields for about an hour. Tonight is the largest and brightest full moon of the year (it changes because of the way the moon orbits around the Earth). According to an article on yahoo.com, it’s also the year’s “Wolf” moon, apparently called that by some unreferenced generic Native American tribe.

Whatever the case, I was inspired to go out for a walk underneath it, despite the sub-freezing temperature, and I headed for my favorite place to go for a night-time stroll – a huge leashless dog park in Jefferson County, Colorado. A few years ago, before my divorce and while I was in between jobs, I used to go out several nights a week with our black Labrador named Stella. She’d chase rabbits in the moonlight while I walked along, and we traveled many a mile together in that park’s miles of trails. I love the snow – I’ve often felt as if I’ve been an arctic wolf in a past life – and I think the best time ever I went out in those fields with Stella was in the middle of a blizzard under a post-midnight full moon. I was in heaven.

As we continued to come back regularly, the local coyotes got to where they’d sometimes trot alongside us curiously, more than once scaring Stella and me half to death by setting off a silence-shattering howl just a few dozen feet from us. Not that coyotes are scary per se, but when you’re out in the middle of nowhere at midnight and suddenly the yelp of a coyote sounds practically right under your ear, it tends to shake you up a bit. *chuckles*

Those months walking at night with Stella are among the most treasured memories of my life, and tonight I returned to them briefly. The unfortunate thing was that I didn’t think about wanting to go for the hike until my ex was asleep, and even though I called, there was no answer, so I couldn’t get Stella for the trip and I had to go by myself. There was at first eeriness to being out there all alone, but before I knew it everything seemed perfectly natural. I felt at home, deeply and indescribably. If I could have been transformed into a coyote bitch and stayed out there like that the rest of my life, I would have been perfectly happy. Okay, I would have missed my children and Master, and I know they need me – especially my kids. But other than that, the decision would have been an easy one.

Tonight I yipped like a coyote after reaching a particular pond on the site, hoping to get a response, but I was only met with the still night air. As I walked along, I soon began to feel less like a human and more like a wolf doing nightly patrols of her territory. Toward the end of the journey, I crested a hill and, after surveying the scenery around me, let off a series of long, deep, mournful wolf howls, as if to let all canines in the area know I was laying claim to that land. It took me awhile to shake off the feeling and return to being fully human. I still haven’t gotten over it entirely.

My shifting into being a wolf mentally has been happening more strongly and more frequently lately. Something’s changing in me spiritually, which I feel is definitely a good thing. I feel like I’m going back to the way I used to be when I was very intimately in touch with my spirit guides and with my spiritual connection to the non-human world around me.

Gaah. I feel practically drunk. I can hardly write. That hike really affected me. And I’m not talking about the physical exertion. I don’t feel human. My hands don’t feel like hands. They feel like paws. Words are starting to make no sense. I’m feeling my tail and my muzzle. I’m shifting.

I’m a wolf.

Bed now.

Rowlf.