The last couple of days have been somewhat low key regarding my life with my Mistress, and yet I get a feeling things have turned a very important corner.
As mentioned in my previous posting, I wound up staying home the night before last by surprise, and Mistress took the occasion to take me out to dinner at Red Robin. Mistress decided afterward it wasn’t exactly a place we’ll be going back. Service was lousy. Lipstick was on my Mistress’s tea cup, and the Manager just laughed about it (he did try to make a little joke about the situation, but he still charged her for the tea). *shrugs* We still had fun, and it was a nice little outing.
Afterward, Mistress told me to contact Master G to discuss plans for me to serve him and his wife on a regular schedule … as in, two or three nights every week. Mistress feels that Master G and his wife could really use the help, and Mistress really likes Master G, and Master G could teach me some wonderful things he’s picked up during his decade in the lifestyle, and Mistress said she wants privacy at times (such as when her Master is over or when she’s with an intimate date), and said she sometimes actually likes being independent and handling things (such as cooking for herself) without a slave around. As glad as I am to be able to be with Master G and his wife so much, it concerned me that Mistress so quickly and casually decided to have Master G share in my Ownership so much, and I pondered such things as I headed to bed.
Along with doing the normal chores, I spent yesterday morning shopping with Mistress before heading out to be with my kids. Last night after I came home I was pretty happy but also pretty darn tired as well … more tired than a realized, which caused a quite unfortunate situation to erupt.
The puppyboy was there when I came home. He’s been suspended from his job, it seems, because he had at his workplace a sexually explicit catalog, which he gave to a friend, and the catalog was found in his friend’s desk, and things got traced back. The puppyboy was feeling rather unhappy about the whole thing, and I tried to cheer him up until he told me he was feeling rather depressed and suicidal, and for some reason that ticked me off. After my spending a year being incredibly depressed and suicidal, and my not having a job for a year and a half, for him to tell me he desperately needed to see a psychiatrist after being suspended for two days … just plain annoyed me.
And so I went to the kitchen to get a soda while he and Mistress talked, and I managed to knock over a glass of tea I had put in the fridge, causing it to spill over everything in the bottom part of the fridge and onto the floor, getting in the cracks and under the glass and into the veggie drawers and … I got pissed, way over the top. I started tossing things out of the fridge and swearing and making noise until I, very loudly, finished cleaning up everything. By then, the puppyboy had made his exit, and I went to Mistress, who (rightfully so) was extremely annoyed at me for making such a scene.
To be honest, I’m not sure why I exploded like I did except that I had some pent up stress and tiredness, and puppyboy acting like he did sort of lit a fuse. Oh, and the fact that I had done the same stupid thing a few nights earlier, causing coffee to spill all over everything. Oh, and the fact the kitchen was a total mess, with piles of dirty pots and pans and bowls and utensils everywhere, the signs of Mistress having made batches of chocolate-chip cookies while I was gone, and it was of course my job to clean it all up. And add to that the fact that the television was playing rather loudly in the background. My Asperger’s was in full gear last night, making it so the sounds of the TV in the background managed to distract me horribly, like the sounds of nails against a chalkboard. I hate having a TV on in the background when I’m trying to work or otherwise concentrate on something, and I told Mistress last night, and she told me angrily to just learn to live with it.
All that led to me going out with Mistress’s annoyed permission and getting some earplugs, which I used when I returned and started work on the kitchen mess. By then I was calmed down, more or less, and I lost myself for awhile in the meditative trance that comes when doing the chores – in this instance, the chore of cleaning up everything. Afterward I talked to Mistress and asked how things went with the puppyboy, and she told me she was rather unhappy at me because she felt the living room was a mess, and that it was my fault for failing to clean it during the last couple of days. And I responded that I hadn’t had time, and she attacked me for spending too much time on the Internet, and we went back and forth, and I started crying and I couldn’t take it and went upstairs.
I came back down and sat down on the stairs, still crying, and she angrily approached me and asked what exactly was wrong with me. And I told her that, in addition to everything, I was very stressed about my finances. Which were indeed stressing me out like crazy.
In case anybody hasn’t noticed, I haven’t been whooping and hollering about getting any jobs lately. Yep, all those jobs I applied for recently that seemed like great opportunities, and all those interviews which went so great, well … they all flopped for reasons beyond my knowledge. In just a little more than a month my unemployment will be running out. I was actually making significantly more than my ex at the time of the divorce (I was in software development), and even though we’re both unemployed, I’m the one paying child support because my unemployment check is larger. And I’m scared as all hell, because in about a month I’ll either likely be out of money or very likely I’ll be working a job making barely above minimum wage just to keep my head above water.
And I told that to Mistress, and I started bawling because I wanted so much to be a slave, but I was so afraid I’d be spending all my time on a lousy job away from her making just enough money to survive… and she got really pissed at me and said I was spoiled and said I needed to toughen up because a lot of people are having to work jobs they hate, and I will likely have to be one of them and so I’d better get used to the idea.
It was horrible. Mistress and I have never had an actual fight, and I felt afterward that I had finally totally screwed things up between us.
Mistress ended the conversation by demanding to know what I wanted of her. And I shakily told her I just wanted to be Owned by her. And she told me to make up a list of the things I felt being “Owned” meant to me, and I told her that being Owned meant simply … being Owned as property in every way. Even the Thralls of the Vikings, I thought, were guaranteed room and board by their Owners (assuming their Owners didn’t kill them, of course). And I told Mistress last night I was concerned about having to pay rent and everything, and she barked at me saying that we’ll handle things as they come, and she went to bed.
Today her attitude was a little different. In subtle ways, but in powerful ones.
For example, she said she wanted to draw up a formal contract. She wants to set in stone all of her rules and regulations, and everything she expects, and what punishments I will receive for failing or disobeying her. It was a total surprise to me, and she said she thinks we need it because she’s now feeling that we’ll be together potentially for a long time. She said the contract won’t be ready very soon, but it’ll definitely be needed once we reach our one-year anniversary … and I was thrilled and flabbergasted that she was assuming (particularly after last night) that we’ll be together that long!
And several times today, she directly ordered me to do something, and when I looked at her and started to question things respectfully, she ordered me to be quiet and do what I was told. Tonight she said she’s finally realized that she doesn’t have to explain herself to me, and from now on she won’t most of the time, but will instead expect me to obey her without question.
At another point in the day, I nervously asked her if instead of the necklace she gave me (which is her collar that I wear), if today I could wear a necklace that Master G’s wife gave me (which is thick and beautiful and violet, my favorite color). And Mistress said she didn’t have any problem with me doing that … as long as I ALWAYS remembered that I was collared by her and that I was her property.
And Mistress said she’s also thinking about getting me a ring (!!!) to represent publicly that I’m taken, and that I’m Owned by her to all the world.
And when I mentioned how Master G wrote me back and he was very happy with the idea of co-owning me several days each week, Mistress said that although Master G will be my her proxy and I treat him like my Owner in all respects when she’s not around, when Mistress is around I am to ALWAYS remember that she is my true Owner in every respect.
She’s more aloof from me than normal. We were very busy all day from the moment we awoke, but we’re busy a lot of days. Today, however, Mistress was more serious. Playful, but, without a doubt, always in control.
It’s very clear – she Owns me. I think whatever doubts she might have had in the past about that are quickly melting away. And she’s acting on that knowledge.
At one point I told her how happy I am that she Owns me, and I asked her if she’s happy Owning me, and she said, “What choice do I have?” in that she was expressing that she felt she was committed now and couldn’t get rid of me if she wanted to. I mentioned Master G may want to own me and might buy me from her, and that’s when she mentioned the ring all of a sudden, and I was a bit swept away by emotion for a few minutes afterward, even as I was continuing to work (I was making dinner for her when she told me of her idea).
I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future. But I have a distinct feeling that wherever my path may lead, I’ll be wearing a collar, and I’ll be Owned by my Mistress for a while.
And it sounds good to me. *smiles*
La kajira!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment