I hate having clinical depression. And, yes, I’ve got it. And most likely, Aspeger’s Syndrome, which is like being autistic except being able to function in society. Actually, it’s exactly like that, because that’s what it is. Oh, and I also suffer mood disorders to the level that my psychologist believes I suffer low-level bi-polarism. So, yeah, my brain’s fucked up. I’ve read the blogs of a few other full-time slaves, and a lot of them suffer similar problems. Am I saying that you have to be screwed in the head to be a slave? No, not at all. But I do think that people who have problems dealing with the complexities of life sometimes find solace in being able to give control to somebody they trust.
Depression sucks. Imagine walking down the street and suddenly tasting extremely strong espresso while you’re eating a hamburger. Or hearing the clash of cymbals while listening to a violin concerto. Today I was feeling wonderful about life, and I was thinking of how I’m blessed in so many ways – and I suddenly started feeling overwhelmingly sad and burst into tears, and felt that way for a long time.
It also hit last night … which sucked big time. Mistress knows how much I’ve been wanting to get tied up, but she hasn’t done it in earnest, and so last night she decided to give me a treat. She tied my hands to my knees with me lying in bed, and then tied my wrists together so I couldn’t move, and proceeded to take a dildo to my vagina and a vibrator to my clit and ... I didn’t enjoy it because I had been suffering a low-level depression all day. Being tied up and lightly tortured is supposed to be a weird release based around the discomfort being turned into a thrill, but ... my depression kept that from happening, and instead I started crying. And the fact I didn’t enjoy what Mistress did for me greatly disappointed her, and the fact I wasn't enjoying it pissed the hell out of me because I had been wanting for a long time for Mistress to tie me up, and the fact that it happened on a night I wasn't emotionally stable made me even more depressed. Mistress says she’ll tie me up again someday here, but she doesn’t know when. *sighs*
Asperger’s causes me to feel incredibly confused and scared when I’m in a situation that’s overly chaotic, and as a result I feel like running away and hiding. And if I can’t run away, I get all upset and angry. Basic fight or flight syndrome exhibited by a wild animal in a tense situation. And being bi-polar shifts me up and down without control.
Mistress knew all that about me when she collared me. And she took me in anyway. Which is why, despite the problems we may have, I love her dearly.
And, yes, we do have problems. Definitely.
For example, today Mistress reminded me that I’ll need to pay my half of the rent soon. As things are, I pay for the cable and Internet bills, half the rent and another $75 for storage space away from the house. Mistress pays for heating, water and half the rent. And yet, my possessions take up only a small fraction of the house – a few boxes in the garage and a few boxes in an upstairs room. And I have pretty much no say regarding finances or any of the big matters, such as the fact we moved out of the old house into this townhome. Plus, as a slave, I’m doing most of the chores around the house, and I provide Mistress with sexual pleasure whenever she desires. We’re both on unemployment, but Mistress is able to work odd jobs for extra cash here and there, while I can’t. Even more, my duties as a slave sometimes get a little in the way of my search for employment.
Do I feel like my submissiveness and slave heart are being exploited? Yes, sometimes I do. Maybe.
In a non-fiction book entitled, “Separating Fact from Fiction: The Life of a Consensual Slave in the 21st Century” By Shannon Reilly, she says, “As equals, the members of a consensual slavery relationship will exchange power with each other, giving and taking that power in a constant flow. Power is neither created nor destroyed in power exchange relationships. Rather two equals remain equal while power flows between them.”
Mistress controls my life to a large degree. Not as much as I want, but she does impart control. And she takes responsibility for me, taking care of my needs. I’d prefer the relationship was much stronger, in that I could totally give up myself and almost all control in exchange for being able to be nothing but a slave almost all the time. Mistress, however, doesn’t want that. She told me tonight she still struggles with the word “slave” (despite all the talks we had a month ago), and she doesn’t think we’ll ever be in a situation where she’ll support me financially. *sighs* Such is life. Mistress is the best Owner I’ve found, and the only one where the mutual attraction has been strong enough to result in us living together, so I should count my blessings, without a doubt. There might be a better Owner out there for me, and there might be a better slave out there for Mistress. But, for now, we’re going to try our darn best to make this work for as long as possible. The way Mistress puts it, she and I satisfy each other’s needs, and that’s why things work. I hope so.
For a while today I was confused about Mistress, because she seemed to be both too much of a sadist and too concerned with not hurting me at the same time. Communication solved the puzzle. The answer was simple. See, she loves to pinch my nipples really hard until I cringe, and she loves to spank me unexpectedly. Yet, last night, when she tied me up for fun (as I mentioned earlier), she started to ram a silicon dildo in my pussy, but wouldn’t do it for fear of hurting me. And when my arms started getting a little sore when I was tied up the other day (for the benefit of the couple that had visited), she immediately untied me, even though I didn’t want her to. She said the difference is that with nipple pinches and spanking, she knows she won’t do permanent damage. It’s “known territory.” But with thrusting large things into my genitalia or potentially hurting my arm muscles, she said it’s “unknown territory” in which she’s afraid of causing actual damage to her property. So Mistress is a bit of a sadist, but she’s a caring one, in that she wants to keep her property safe and in good shape. Which is perfectly fine with me. *grins*
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I’m not automotive savvy, I hate to say. Mistress got me hooked up with a male friend who said he could fix my car for cheap. Well, turns out one of the belts was broken, and he replaced it and another that was frayed for $25 plus the cost of the belts. It was a great deal ... except suddenly I don’t have power steering, and I had had it before he started working on it.
Mistress just got off the phone with him. She knows cars pretty well, and she was able to talk shop with him. She can’t think of anything he could have done wrong, but she’s going to look under my hood to check his work tomorrow. I just know I have my car working again, but it’s suddenly hard as hell to turn the wheel, and I don’t trust the abilities of Mistress’s friend. Whatever the case, Mistress said she’ll deal with it.
Mistress had car problems of her own today and called to me for help. She rear-ended a pickup, which bent up the fender of her own pickup like crazy and hardly damaged the other person’s truck. She was so shaken up afterward she couldn’t drive, and she was a half hour from home. She called me first and then called her Master, and her Master happened to respond first, and he agreed to take her home, and she asked me to drive down and move her car somewhere safe. I decided she really needed something to calm her down, and I made an Irish coffee (whiskey, hot cream, sugar and coffee) and started driving down to see her. Half-way there she called and said her Master would handle everything, but she did gladly imbibe the hot toddy when she got home tonight, and she’s feeling quite relaxed at the moment, so I figure I did my proper duties as best I could. *shrugs and slightly grins*
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One a final note about money, a couple of nice things happened the last few days.
Today I was in the supermarket and I bought a cooked chicken for dinner for five bucks. Then when I checked out, I realized to my frustration that I had left my money wallet at home and so it wasn’t in my purse, and I had to tell the clerk to void the sale. Well, an extremely nice man who was a total stranger overheard the conversation, and he asked what happened, and he very generously pulled a five-dollar bill out of his billfold and said he’d pay for my purchase. Talk about shock on my part! I was extremely grateful and told him I’d pay it forward and return the good deed to somebody else, and he just told me with a smile not to worry about it!
And last weekend I wrote to the makers of the blond marionette I have and told them I was working on a play that I want to perform for kids in the community at libraries and schools, and they wrote me back and told me they would sell me any of their marionettes at wholesale prices, which is truly a great deal!
Oh, yeah ... I’m working on a play! In the back of a great little book on creating marionettes (“Marionettes: How to Make and Work Them” by Helen Fling) is a quite simple and quite short puppet play, and I liked it so much I’ve been working on enhancing it into a complete one-person production. I’ll need to create some backdrops and the puppet stage along with finishing up writing the play, but I was concerned about making the necessary marionettes, and now that I can get six great storybook marionettes professionally made for cheap, I’m pretty darn happy about the whole thing!
And that’s how I’m going to try and pay things forward ... by writing and performing a marionette play for local children that not only encourages environmental awareness but also has a strong, brave, smart heroine. Wish me luck!
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Before I sign out today, I wanted to mention a well-written blog by another live-in consensual slave, entited: Diary of a Contented BDSM Slave. I made a posting there today in response to her feelings of unease at how her Master took care of her physically when she was recently sick in bed. Here’s a snippet of what I wrote:
It's not easy being taken care of, indeed. I've known of more than one Master/slave relationship that fell apart because the Master truly enjoyed doing certain "chores" (such as cooking gourmet meals), and the slave felt indignation at seeing her Owner doing things for her that she felt she should be doing for him.
It all comes down to communication in the end. Sometimes, truly, the best way to serve is to allow yourself to be served.
When a Master serves his slave, he's not being less dominant in any way. He's likely being warm and loving. And he's also likely taking care of his property, as others have said.
If one's Master spent hours carefully polishing a beautiful sculpture, or repairing it should a piece fall off, is that being submissive? No, of course not. He's simply doing maintenance on his property.
And taking care of you when you're sick is him doing maintenance on you, his slave.
I pray that you get well soon, my sister. You'll be in our thoughts.
La kajira!
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