Today was a hell of a day. And a heaven of one. But then, that’s life, isn’t it?
Mistress woke me up bright and early this morning, determined to get us both on a good schedule. From the moment I awoke today, I was fully a slave, and she and I knew it. I dedicated myself to overcoming my three biggest problems – talking too much, self loathing and eating too much. I got involved in everything that needed to be done, from making breakfast to cleaning up to doing the laundry, and I found myself practically flowing all day to a deep, inner rhythm of my servitude and total obedience. I spoke gently and sparsely, being always extremely respectful. Mistress repeatedly commented on how good a slave I was today, and how beautiful I was, and I felt loved and appreciated for what I am at heart. I felt good about life, and about my place in it. I felt I was what I should be.
I was happy all day. Until a little after 3 PM.
I have a job interview in two days for a software-developer position. I got the letter about it a week ago. I barely skimmed it, even though I’ve been stoked about the job all week. Today I read the letter carefully as I prepared to cram for the types of questions they might ask. To my shock, it said I needed to submit two application forms to them no later than 48 hours before the interview, and I had just missed the deadlines. Actually, it said I was supposed to have submitted the applications, which included a security screening, within two days of receipt of the letters, so that meant I should have sent them in last week. I hurriedly put the documents together, which took hours to complete, and I sent an apologetic letter to the human-resources person, offering to delay the interview if needed. And then, after all that was done … I broke down into tears and fell into a deep, horrid blackness of self-loathing and depression. I wailed and wept and fell apart so much that Mistress took over and made dinner for us, which ashamed me deeply. I babbled, breaking my vow of self control, repeatedly attacking myself to her as being worthless.
Mistress comforted me and had me meditate, but at heart it had to all wear off. Toward the end, Mistress made sure I understood that I am not the one to say I am worthless. I am not the one to say I am a bad slave. I am not the one to hurt or punish myself. My life is hers, and I put into her hands all judgment of myself. And knowing that gave me such an intense feeling of relief and peace.
Mistress emphasized her point by pointing to a beautiful wooden table in the middle of the room. The table, she said, was in horrible shape when she got it, but she worked hard on it, buffed out some awful burn marks and made it into something truly beautiful. And that's what she's doing to me, she said. She's working on me, she'll get the burn marks out of my heart, and she'll make me into a truly beautiful slave.
Mistress said I’m clearly trying to sabotage myself regarding being a developer because, truth be told, I hate it. I am not technically minded. Computers and the such make very little sense to me. I got into software developing by accident because I really wanted to be a computer animator. I’ve stayed in the business only because I wanted to make good money for my family. But, even though I got the letter about the great opportunity, I’ve ignored it for almost a week until most likely too late. Instead, I’ve focused on serving Mistress and making her life better. I’ve focused on being a slave. Which is what I am, and what I love.
La kajira! I say it with pride. Nobody could ever tell me that being a slave is less than what I should be. It’s truly what I am at heart. And this morning showed both my Mistress and me that it’s what brings me true happiness in life.
On another final note, Mistress warned me regarding her Master, who today found out that Mistress had collared me (she said she didn’t tell him simply because he didn’t need to know and it didn’t come up in conversation, but somehow he heard it from another source and asked her about it today). Mistress and I both know that, as somebody with a slave heart, I find myself strongly compelled to do whatever I’m ordered to do by somebody that expresses strong dominance. I will even lie to them if they ask if I don’t want to do something because my desire to please them is so strong and overcomes my wishes regarding my own pleasures. I’ve been pretty much raped because of that, all while the man was asking me whether I wanted him to fuck my brains out, and I would tell him I did.
And tonight, with that in mind, Mistress said she’s not sure she could protect me from her Master should he order me to do something I didn’t want to do, because she is so subservient to him. To quote: “I’m not sure I could protect you. It’s a bad situation. You need to make yourself scarce when he’s here. Leave the house. Go to the coffee shop or something. Make an excuse.”
Something to keep in mind. *sighs*
Oh, and by the way ... I didn't post yesterday because I was with my kids all day. Most of it was centered around the fact that my son wanted to go fishing. Numerous mishaps with the fishing equipment were both frustrating and rewarding, although I suffered a pretty nasty cut to my left pinky as a result of a bad situation with some fishing line. I came home happy but very tired, and Mistress was wonderful about it.
And ... I misunderstood Mistress's relationship with her female friend. They're purely platonic friends, even if they are quite close. Mistress told me the next day that her friend, who is a bit submissive, felt a bit awkward at being served by me and the submissive male, but she enjoyed it nonetheless. Chicken curry with rice (cooked by Mistress) and hot tea, followed by ice cream for dessert, all on a table covered with a lovely cloth and bedecked with candles. All the preparation paid off. The night ended with Mistress's friend giving Mistress a beautiful manicure and clear coating my nails as well. By that time I was so sleepy that Mistress ordered me to bed, and I fell asleep to the smell of popcorn as Mistress and her friend set up a movie to watch. After her friend left, Mistress tenderly came to bed and lay beside me. I slept rather well. *smiles*
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